Hello, and welcome to the Chaos to Calm podcast, episode number 70. I'm Sarah, The Perimenopause Naturopath, your guide through the journey of perimenopause. If you're over 40 and feeling like you're changing hormones or hijacking your mood, energy, and weight, and you want to change that in a holistic way, then this is the place for you.

Because each episode I share with you my views on what's happening in your body. Why are you feeling the way that you are and how you can change that with actionable advice to help you move from chaos to calm and feeling more comfortable in your body. Thank you so much for joining me. Let's get right into today's topic, which I am doing a little series in the lead up to the festive season and the end of the year, because I have noticed in my clients and the women that I work with and myself, that we have, we get to the Christmas and we're burnt out.

Done all the things. But by the time we get there, we're just, we can't enjoy the holidays because we just feel rubbish. And I'm saying this and I'm talking about this and today's topic is all about setting boundaries without guilt and how to do it as well. Because it's really helpful to avoid that burnout is boundaries.

And I'm. in the background of my mind, I'm thinking this morning's discussion with my kids is which event are we going to go to today? Cause we have two options. One child's feeling a bit unwell. The other one wants to see one particular look like their friends that won't be at the other thing.

And then I got to pick up a lamb, a bulk order of lamb. And my 17 year old wants to drive me. Cause I need the driving hours and I've got work and it's a lot. And even with all that I know and that I'm thinking of and reflecting on and trying to the things that I have in place to protect myself and my health, I still feel it ramping up and I know it's only November, mid November, but the reality is like if you've got a child doing year 12, like they'd be finishing their exams around about this time.

So you would, you'll be having other stuff on end of year, end of school things like that as well. So there's just a lot and I'm feeling that too. I'm right there with you but I'm talking you through in the next four or five weeks, the things that I do that help me make it to Christmas without feeling burnt out.

I did that too many times. And now I know better, I can do better. So hopefully you'll take something from this that you can implement and help you get to Christmas without feeling all burnt out and just like the Grinch, even whether you celebrate Christmas or not. Just that I love the end of year reflection, the end reflecting back on what we've done as homeschoolers, what have we learned, what have we deep dived into this year, where have we been we've done, we always get to do some really fun things and I love reflecting on that and celebrating that and helping my kids set goals for next year.

So one of the things I'm doing in this series is helping you think about what you want for next year and setting goals. So that'll be released right around the time when we're all thinking about it around the new year. Anyway, today let's talk about boundaries because yeah, like, I mean, I'm feeling the pressure.

I'm sure that you are there as well. And I wonder what comes to mind? How do you feel when you think about all the commitments, the expectations coming up for you? Because, lots of women, especially those of us over 40, we've got the added thing of perimenopause or menopause on top here, but the holidays can become that season of commitment and burnout, over commitment, and over scheduling and burnout.

But I want you to know that. You can, it's possible to prioritize your needs without guilt and say no, and set some boundaries without ruining everyone else's festive season and totally do it. And the problem it becomes or is because women are most often the caretakers, the peacekeepers, the problem solvers, the rememberers, we're doing all of those things.

We're conditioned to do all of those things from very young. So, it, they have that nurturer, that carer role thrust upon us, not just for our families, but through all aspects of the roles we have in life. Work, social, sports, all those sorts of things. It's women doing most of the heavy lifting around the jobs that need to get done to make that stuff happen.

And that is heavily shaped by the sex based stereotypes that we've grown up under and society's expectations around what is they, prime us to be nurturers. There's nature and there's nurture. We've been primed or nurtured. to be nurturers. That's most of us. That's our role.

And some of our female hormones do have a bit of a role to play there as well, because we have progesterone. It's like our peacekeeping or people pleasing hormone. And so what happens now in this phase of life, why you might be struggling with the people pleasing is that progesterone starts to decline and you're less inclined to people please.

So if we acknowledge that you're less, you've got less of that sort of peacekeeping hormone flowing through your veins. And if you need like an example of how it works and how that is. I think about pregnancy, particularly your third trimester when progesterone is really high and you just like really zenned and very, okay, no worries.

All right. Until you get close to birth time, of course, and then you're just kind of over everything. So, If we know that's what's happening and that's part of what's happening for us as well as your response to the situation is most likely very legitimate and reasonable. It's just that we have often unreasonable demands placed upon us and then, or people have unreasonable expectations of how much we can do and achieve.

So thinking about that and thinking about setting some boundaries, practicing saying no in a respectful manner. It becomes really essential, I think, because you can be you can just snap no. And feel angry and irritated all the time, or we can do it in a respectful way that manages our needs and prioritizes our needs as equally as someone else's, because as your progesterone is declining, your more assertive hormones, estrogen and testosterone are in a relative excess, and if we don't think about it and practice doing this in a pleasant way, you're just, you're going to snap.

No, you're going to be irritated and angry and biting people's heads off. When when you get stretched thin and you're feeling overwhelmed and juggling all these different things. So, cause we you years and years of people, pleasing primes us to just say yes, to avoid disappointing others or making them feel sad or disappointed or whatever.

So, it's difficult to overcome that, but let's, do it. Let's, I want to talk about first why you need to do it for your health. If you want to especially get to the end of the year without being burnt out. So, like I said, we're conditioned to keep the peace and prioritize others and their feelings over our own.

This is really deeply rooted in our cultural norms, but a bit in our biology, like I said, as well, not just for our hormones, but our brain, because our primal brain, so we have you might call that your child brain, but we also have an adult brain or a logical reasoning part of our brain, but our primal brain is there's parts of our brain still very primal and it prioritizes safety in numbers.

And it wants us to align with the group. It wants us to stay safe with the herd. So the primal part of our brain is all about safety and keeping us alive, happy and safe using the least amount of resources. And for our primal brain, safety comes in numbers and fitting in. And this is definitely highlighted if you have teens.

They just want to fit in they don't want to stand out or if they do want to stand out they want to stand out in the same way that a group of friends do as well because that's where safety is and so we often will say yes because we don't want people to Think poorly or badly of us or we don't want to make someone sad or you know We don't want our kids to miss out on some aspect of the holidays or the festive season as well.

So it can be really heightened to say yes, even though we want to say no, saying no, you can feel like you're breaking some kind of unspoken rule and that's part of your primal brain driving you to say yes there as well. So awareness and knowing that's what your brain is doing is really important there as well, because prioritizing everyone else first comes at a cost for. You You might say yes to doing lots of things, but there's also saying yes to food or drinks, like especially alcohol or other obligations that are not in keeping with your health goals, or they're going to make your perimenopause symptoms worse. Alcohol's a classic there. It interrupts your sleep, makes your hot flushes, your sweats, brain fog, mood swings, your energy, all worse.

So there's social pressure around that, but there's that primal drive behind it to just say yes and fit in and meet and be one of the pack or the herd. I bet you can think of a time when you said yes to something, but regretted it later. I know it's often when you have a drink or someone talks you into a glass of wine and then you are regretting that at like 1am when you're either not asleep or you've woken up again and you're feeling hot and sweaty and you've got that kind of really rubbish, dozy kind of sleep.

So I actually talk a lot about that alcohol intolerance. In a previous episode, I'll pop the link to it in the show notes. If you want to listen to that as well and understand a bit more about why that happens, but that's most often with the women that I talk to and work with. That's one of the big things is saying yes to drinks because it's easier.

Then saying no and having people like why aren't you drinking? And also that ties into their primal brain as well. Like their primal brain is going, Oh my gosh, well, if Sarah's not having a glass of alcohol, why not? Does that mean I have to change? And our brains, our primal brains, particularly are very averse to change as well.

So they don't want to have to change. So they'll try and make you change your mind so that they don't have to change all this is going on subconsciously, unconsciously in our brains. But trust me, it is what is happening. And yeah, alcohol and food. I've had clients before, very committed to wanting to lose weight and improve their health and feeling spectacular from following their nutrition plans, but then when they go out, they might they're like, no I'm don't want to do that.

I'm not going to have a glass of wine. I'm not having dessert, or I'm just going to eat these things. I'm going to have a steak or whatever. And then they get out and they're just, and they get a bit of, Social pressure, or they don't want to make, someone else feel bad by eating in a particular way.

So they, dismiss what their body likes and what they need and prioritize someone else's needs. And important going on a bit of a side quest here, totally acknowledging that, but it's really important to know that you don't make people feel the way that they feel. That is always their choice.

We always have a choice how we feel or how we respond or react to a situation or to what's happening. It's all like our thoughts around what's happening is what creates the feelings. And how we feel about it. So we have a choice about that. Most of our thoughts are subconscious or unconscious. It's true, but we can tune into them and we can choose to think differently about what's happening on there and not take things personally or not make it about us as well.

People, can do what they want to do, eat the way they want to eat, drink what they want to drink. That's entirely up to them. It's not what we do. It doesn't happen. It is not, we're not responsible for them and what they're doing. We can't control people when we understand that and think in that way, it makes it so much easier to set your boundaries and decide what you're going to do and stick with it.

It's just everyone else around us needs to understand that too. That can be the sticking point or make it a bit harder for sure. So I want to talk about the cost of people pleasing and not having boundaries in place because there is a real cost to it. Absolutely. It it puts pressure on your body and your mind.

Think about it like when you're over committed or if you've said yes to something that you just really don't want to do, I bet you know, how that feels, but also, how does it feel in your body as well? Do you feel like crunched up and stressed? Maybe you're breathing just really shallowly from the top of your chest rather than that deep, relaxed belly breathing.

Do you feel really resentful, annoyed, angry? So when we don't have boundaries in place, and we don't feel comfortable saying no, you might, you will agree to having that alcoholic drink or or eating something super sweet, even if you know it disrupts your sleep and increases hot flashes and sweats.

You're going to take on extra responsibilities. And feel more tired, more stressed. And that impacts your hormones as well. And when you've got that hormone rollercoaster underlying you already in perimenopause, then it's just going to make that worse and make your perimenopause symptoms worse.

And that's the reality of it. You have less stress resilience, you're more reactive to the stressors around you. So you need to consider that. Yes, you might've been fine doing those things a few years ago, but you're not now. And. We need to shift our priorities and how we think about that as well and acknowledge what we can or can't do at this time.

And when we do all these other things or say yes to them, usually what happens is your own care of your, like your self care. The things that you do to help keep yourself healthy and on track, whether that's going for a walk or doing a yoga class or making nice meals that support and nourish your body.

Those things fall by the wayside. They're usually the first expenses from the situation, from the saying yes. And then again, that further decreases your stress resilience and makes you more overwhelmed, angry, irritated, all those sorts of things as well. So breaking that cycle of people pleasing, learning to set boundaries is really important if you want to improve your health and have a smoother perimenopause and it's the reality of it.

Like I hate to break it to you, but, all of these things, all of these symptoms that are happening in your body are all flags and signs from your body that it's unhappy with what's going on. There's something out of balance. Its needs are not being met. Symptoms are the messages from our body that it needs some help and support.

And that's, the cold hard truth is that if you're feeling, all these things, flushes, sweats, anxiety, itchy skin, aches and pains pick any of the millions of different symptoms that people have in perimenopause. It's a sign. It's a flag from your body that it needs some support.

Your progesterone levels are lower. It makes you more impatient, more inclined to be irritated and angry. Your stress tolerance is lower. You really need to be able to set clear boundaries and have that self awareness and that self, compassion and respect to be able to set boundaries and maintain them. So it can feel unnatural.

It's true, but it is self respect. Self care, self compassion, and like learning any other new skill or changing any other habit, it takes practice. You're not going to nail it the first time, but let's talk about how to do it. So, and we'll go through some real life examples there as well. So thinking about boundaries as essential to your health and caring for yourself.

It's not selfish, but, it's how we care for ourselves and care for others at the same time. And start by practicing with minor decisions. And remember, it's not about the other person. It's about you and caring for you, but also prioritizing your needs equally with theirs. And maybe there's some other way instead of maybe the default to ask you is the easy option for them.

Perhaps there's another way to get the net result, but that doesn't involve you doing it all. So practice with some minor decisions. Things that don't really matter to others, say no thanks to an event you're not excited about. And remember, you don't have to explain why no is a complete sentence.

No thanks. Thanks for the invite, but I'm not available or I'm not going to be able to make it. You don't need to go any further into it than that. That's all it needs to be. Someone's offering seconds, no thanks. I'm feeling fine. I'm feeling satisfied as I am. Thank you. It doesn't have to be, it's not personal and never has to be personal.

So have a think about what's one small boundary you could set this week that make a big difference for you. One thing that I am maybe always trying to do, but my husband and I, we both need to, focus on this one again is limiting our work hours, especially if you find yourself checking emails late in the evening.

I remember one time I was like, I can't believe they sent me an email about this at 8:30 on a Saturday night. And he's like, I can't believe that you're checking your work email at 8:30 on a Saturday night. And I was like, touche, good point. Excellent point. So set a time, pick a time.

Maybe it's six or six 30, maybe whatever dinner time is for you. Like that's when you switch off, turn off your phone, put your laptop away, maybe use the do not disturb feature. If you're an Apple user and focus on unwinding with your family. Maybe you have a book or just have some quiet time for yourself or go for a nice walk, whatever.

So I've been trying to put my phone away and as well as my laptop. So I'm not scrolling or searching for presents and things like that in the evening because that then has a flow on effect to my sleep and my winding down in the evening. So that helps create a buffer between work and downtime or rest and maybe boundaries like you could think about them as rules, if that helps it make it easier for you, like your rules for living, your guiding principles, with boundaries we can, they can feel, I don't know.

Maybe rules feel stricter. I'm not sure think about it in the way that you need to think about it to make it do you know, okay with you for you to take it on board and remember that you know it's gonna feel hard at first and people are gonna push up against your boundaries because especially if you've never done it before. So you're gonna get resistance or surprise, especially people always used to you saying yes, so that's okay as well Just thinking about your reasons or why you're saying, no, thanks.

Your why and really anchor that in. With my clients in PerimenoGO and the Calistocar Method, I get them to anchor in their why by either having a card on their desk or with a saying on it or a bracelet, or I have a Balinese note in my purse, which reminds me of the time when I went on a retreat was the first time I'd said yes to something for myself.

And prioritize my needs, along with my families and took myself away to a retreat. So it reminds me of how I felt in that moment and that time and how good, like the flow on effect. Of that, I was reading something the other day that was saying that if you going on a retreat or something like that, the flow on effect, that feeling of relaxation and that is felt for like three months afterwards.

Amazing. So anchoring in your why, set really deeply feeling that why for yourself if you're thinking about no, I'm not going to drink on that occasion because maybe you've got another event coming up and you're going to drink on, have some wine on that occasion but you don't want to drink tonight because you need to have a good night's sleep and cause you got a busy day again tomorrow, then that's a that's a solid why.

And be thinking about that and be okay. And it's totally fine to say to people, no, thanks. I'm not having a drink tonight. And of course, that's a full sentence. The people, please are in. You will want to explain further. You can just say it interrupts my sleep and I've got a busy day tomorrow. Make it about you and not like just a general, Oh, it's no good for my health or it's no good for this or that. And that's my tip for you. If you're having a boundary and saying things like that, if you make it about you, it makes the other person's primal brain, calm down. And because they don't feel like they have to change or get freaked out by the thought of having to change.

And so are less likely to push the point. So yeah, no is a complete sentence and it isn't just a deny, like it's not just a denial or a refusal, you can even just not say no, if you don't want to, if that feels too hard for you, have a think about how you might decline an offer and practice it. This is what I tell my clients as well.

Practice is what makes it easy in these situations and some pre planning and some pre thought around looking at your calendar, what's coming up, scheduling in some rest and downtime for you because we are human and our brains and our bodies need some rest and some solitude each day.

So thinking about that as well and planning that out and planning out, well, like I said or maybe I'll have a couple of wines on that night, but I'm not going to have any in these nights as well. So that I don't to, there's lots of reasons not to drink alcohol every day. And especially at this time of year when, your business and stress is already up, you don't need the added physical stress of the alcohol on top of that.

So yeah, so you know, thinking ahead, looking broadly at your calendar and what's coming up. And making sure to schedule in those times and things for yourself and keep like, don't be tempted to just discard them when something else comes up. Like you prioritize that care for yourself. So think about a holiday situation or end of year, a thing where you'd usually say just like, yes, out of habit.

And how that makes you feel. And if you feel disgruntled or annoyed about that, how would it feel if you responded differently this time? How would you respond differently? It's not thinking about these things now so that when you're in the situation, you're not trying to sort of respond from that fight or flight mode of like, Oh, I don't want to say yes, but like, I don't know how to say no.

Have a think about it. Now have a practice when someone else, when someone to ask you to take on another responsibilities for the holidays or maybe you could bring an extra dish here, or could you bring some food on X, Y, and Z day? I'd really love to help, but I can't take that on right now is let's think of some other ways that we can handle that or do that.

We'll get the, food there. When you're offered a drink and you don't really want to have a drink. No, thanks. I have a busy day tomorrow and I really need to sleep well tonight. But don't let that stop you of course you have a drink if you want to have a drink. And the other thing that comes up a lot because we are the problem solvers, is that we get asked Oh, people's problems dumped on us.

Oh, this isn't working or whatever. And one thing, I was listening to Denise Duffield Thomas and her podcast the other day, and she's a fellow Virgo like me and a massive people pleaser, like most of us. And so she was saying she had to start practicing saying, I don't know, because people come and say, Oh, blah, blah, blah.

What do you think? Or how how it's not working. What can we do? And she'd say, Oh, I don't know. What do you think we could do? And I thought that was such a great idea because it shifts the onus from you being the problem solver, but helps gives people the gift and the opportunity to become more self reliant and have a learning opportunity.

And as a homeschool mum, I always am about the learning opportunities for my kids. And you'll often hear them say, when they're trying to work something out, "don't take my learning opportunity." So no one gives them the answer as a spoiler. But this is the same scenario. If you keep solving problems for people all the time, they never get the opportunity to feel good about themselves by solving their own problem.

So if you think about this and this boundary of not I don't know, what do you think we could do? How do you think we could solve that problem? Have you tried Googling it? then they get the opportunity to solve it and feel really great about themselves as well. So they might have some initial discomfort or annoyance, but then they ultimately get the dopamine hit of solving a problem.

 We can reframe the guilt that you might feel because it's natural. Our first response is guilt. When we are not people pleasing and we're saying no to people. It feels difficult and hard because, ooh. If I was a good person, I would do this or I would do that. Or they need me to do that.

But yeah, each time you set a boundary, you're teaching yourself or you're teaching others around you how to treat yourself and what, what your standards are, what your minimum is there. So again, boundaries help us love ourselves and love others in a way that's mutually beneficial. And you also think about how you teach your kids, especially your girls, that your worth.

Your needs are worth worrying about and you know how people choose to respond to that. That's up to them. Remember, you're not responsible for that there as well. And so, yeah, what comes up for you when you think about putting your needs first? Do you feel guilty? Why do you think that is conditioning, social conditioning and sex stereotypes, sex based stereotypes there for sure.

But remember through all of this, remember that your wellbeing, your health, and your mental and physical health is just as important as anyone else's. And you're not responsible for other people's emotions, how they react or they respond is their choice based of what they make your actions mean.

And that's their thoughts that they have underlying, their feelings there. It's not your responsibility. You are never responsible. You don't make people feel a certain way. They have a choice. And I know that feels like for some people or some of you, that's going to be, really hard to take on.

Because it also means that no one's responsible for how we feel except us. And it's a big thing to to, to change how we think in that way. I, have another podcast episode on self coaching and coaching yourself through your thoughts and feelings and that, so I'll also pop that in the show notes.

If you want to go a bit deeper into it, it's really life changing if you can, work from that premise that your thoughts underlie how you feel. And our thoughts are just our brains interpretation of the events coming in based off what we've been taught. Most of the time, our thoughts are formed before we're even three.

So they're not conscious. That's just what's been taught to us or programmed imprinted into us there, but we can change them. That's the great thing about it. Our brains are plastic, they are dynamic, and we can change how we think and feel about anything. So setting boundaries without. feeling guilty. It's not easy.

It takes practice, but I hope you see from this episode that it is really important. Especially at this time of year for your health and your happiness and your long term wellbeing there as well. So I encourage you this holiday season to give yourself the gift of saying no, no thanks. And watch how your energy, your mood, and your sense of peace improve.

Because the holidays should be a time of joy and not exhaustion. And by practicing these boundaries, now you are real. It's gonna be easier when it comes to crunch time later in the month and in December as well. And even you're laying the groundwork there for a healthier, and more empowered 2025, like being more in control of what's going on for you and how you're feeling. So let me know. I'd love to hear from you, your thoughts about this episode or your story, like how you've navigated boundary setting and any challenges that you have. Having with it, drop your questions and stuff in the comments.

I'd love to coach you through that as well. And your experience could always help someone else on their journey. And that's how we learn. It's from each other and seeing how what each other are doing there as well. So a reminder that you can find the links to those other episodes that I've mentioned today in the show notes at www.chaostocalmpodcast.com. And while you're there, if you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe. So you never miss an update. You can also find the show notes wherever you're listening to as well. And, of course you can subscribe and you could leave a quick rating if you're listening on Apple or Spotify or Google, that helps more women find the podcast and solve their problems.

Perimenopause problems there. Of course, if you know someone who'd benefit from the content, please share the episode with them directly. That my friend is all for this episode. Thank you for listening and sharing your time with me as always. I truly and deeply appreciate it. You're busy and you've got lots on, so it's quite an honor to be in your ears with you today.

And yeah, I'd love to know what's one thing you'll take from today's episode to help you prioritize your needs or balance your needs as well. In the holiday season and beyond, let me know in the comments, or feel free to send me a DM on Instagram and we can have a chat about it, especially if you're finding it tricky.

In the next episode, I'm going to be talking about emotional eating, why it happens, what to do about it, that the holidays can bring up such big feelings for many people. It's a really important topic for us to talk about. So I'm excited to do that next episode, but until then keep transforming your perimenopause journey from chaos to calm.